I'm 95 percent sure..........

that we are a statistic. A very heartbreaking statistic. The 1 in 150 statistic. A gut-wrenching statistic. A statistic I never EVER imagined would land in this house. A statistic that has ripped a world apart. A statistic that makes me cry at will. A statistic that means my daughter may never know the "normal" joys of life. A statistic that makes me hate the other mothers at the park. A statistic that is so unfair I can't even imagine ANYTHING worse. A statistic that keeps a light from going off inside my daughter's head that would help her talk, respond, look, socialize normally ,etc. A statistic that means possibly no ballet/gymnastics etc. - speech/occupational therapy instead. A statistic that means so much. One small word, one horrific heartache------

AUTISM

It's here. Taylor is exhibiting all the signs. I've had a weird feeling in my gut about this for a little while--a mother's feeling, a nurse's feeling---you know those feelings. It would explain so much. So many social difficulties. A reason for all the meltdowns in normal social situations when things get too "close." A reason for loss of words. A reason for virtually no speech. A reason for constant movement. A reason for hand flapping when uncomfortable around other kids. A reason for constant screaming on an airplane. A reason for her being so behind the other kids--kids younger than her. A reason for not wanting to be held close to your chest. Now talk about heartbreaking. Every selfish bone in my body is grieving over that one. A reason she goes to sleep without any protest. A reason she was totally miserable around all of her cousins and completely content as soon as I removed her from the situation. A reason it's always seemed "difficult" around here. A reason she won't pretend. A reason she doesn't "show" us anything. A reason she didn't point before age 2. A reason she won't look when I point something out to her. A reason she went to the other side of the room completely away from other kids at The Little Gym. A reason when you call her name she almost always won't look at you. A reason for so many things.

So, I have a call in to Early INtervention who is supposed to call me within 10 days to schedule an evaluation within 45 days. We also have an appointment at Children's Hospital to get her diagnosed. Wanna know the best part??? Insurance doesn't cover behavioral therapy. Early Intervention is free. Children's is not. Soooooo, any additional therapy or visits at Children's is out-of-pocket. First thing we are probably going to sell is Mark's car. Early intervention does provide therapy but odds are she might need more. We will find a way.

DEAR GOD PLEASE LET ME BE WRONG. PLEASE. I BEG OF YOU.

Please don't call me. I can't bear to talk about this right now. I just can't. I'm not sure how Mark feels but I can't talk on the phone about it yet. I'm just struggling to make it through the day and I know I have to get past this feeling to do the best for Taylor. This is so not about me but I feel so damn selfish right now. I'm so pissed off, sad, depressed, angry, hateful, heart-broken. You name it. We are all feeling it.

I know you are all saying "wait for a diagnosis." Well, it sure feels like autism lives here and it's real right now.

So, pray for us or do whatever it is you all choose to do. Hug your kids today and thank God for them.